The Sushal Network: The SWMG Guide to Facebooking!

(Note: If you haven’t already, check out our original post “How Sushi Are You” by clicking here… Yay!)

Facebook: It’s totes your fave and most important daily destination. Who is looking hot and what A-mazing things did people do this weekend? While many a Sushbro will talk about how they’re gonna deactivate or how they don’t use it (“I check it like once a month”), we all know that isn’t true… It’s simply TOO FUN. It’s the place where you go to stalk and be stalked… And what’s better than stalking?!!! With that, I present:

The Sushal Network: The SWMG Guide to Facebooking!

Enjoy!

The Wall

1. There is one thing that all Sushettes do on Facebook. They go on their besties wall and post those 4 magic words: “YOU’RE SO F’ING HOT!”
2. From there, Ali, Jordana and the rest of your besties follow this up with the most A-mazing button in social networking: LIKE
3. (Editor’s note) Can you imagine if Sushbros went on each other’s walls and wrote: “You are so f’ing good at sports!” (Can we make that happen?)

Photos

4. Pictures… You only post the best ones of you possible. Accordingly, the only person that looks at your pics more than your Facebook stalker is… you.
5. You name your Facebook albums after Jack Johnson lyrics.
6. Album Name Option 2: Fall (or whatever season fits)
7. Album Name Option 3:
8. Album Name Option 4: an inside joke that only you and the people in the album understand: “Parking Lots, Zucchini Sticks and Ray-Bans.” A-MAZING!
9. You take all your pics with your head tilted… obv to your better side. (This pose has been rehearsed,  just a little…OBV!)
10. You have at least one album titled “Camp” (LIKE) which features pics that you scanned onto Facebook from the most A-mazing time of your life.
11. Camp comment #1: Can’t believe we used to wear that!!!
12. Camp comment #2: WOAH! Someone developed early!
13. Camp comment #3: You’ve always been a hottie, Linds!  (Extra sushi points for Vega, Tripp Lake, Takajo and Brant Lake pics…A-mazing! Shout out to Tamary ‘0_…. Miss you bitches!”
14. Camp comment #4: “OMG it’s (INSERT CAMP DIRECTOR NAME HERE). She was the best!
15. Mobile uploads… That pic is up before the flash has died down.
16. Black and white pics… so artistic
17. Taking pictures with a police officer or fire fighter…so supportive!
18. Pics of your A-mazing brunch spread… YUM! (Obv mobile upload)
19. Baby pics from your childhood… “You were so adorable!!! And now you’re so f’ing hot!”
20. You always have your hands on your hips… Like the Japanese do by putting up “peace signs” in front of their face, Sushettes grab their hips in a stealth way to look as skinny as possible. (The camera does not HAVE to add 10lbs if you embrace the Sushi Lifestyle)
21. REMOVE TAG!
22. The most stressful part of your year is when you get back from a trip where you were in a bathing suit (Spring Break, obvs… or maybe just a weekend getaway to Turks and Caicos).  You have that trigger finger READY the millisecond your bestie posts her pics… (Remove Tag, Remove Tag… Oh, I like that one!)

Status Updates

23. Girls Night- Two words- Christian Louboutin!
24. Hungover status- “What happened last night…SO NOT OK!”
25. The “All one word” status update- Kitchen. Bagel. Knife. Scoop. Eat. Pray. Love. Content!
26. Soup. Jody Picoult. Couch. Smile. (I know! Jody Picoult is two words…DUH!)
27. Work. Coffee. Skim. Splenda. Monday!
28. My girls are so F’ing hot! (It works everywhere on Facebook)
29. Weather updates…Brr
30. It’s 74 in LA… So not missing New York right now!
31. Looks like someone is sleeping…”ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”
32. At the gym! (You get your skinny on, girl!”)
33. Your quote of the day: “Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.” –Abraham Lincoln (Deep!!!)
34. Ugh… “INSERT ANYTHING BAD HERE” (traffic, bad weather, midterms, Mondays, calories)
35. THEY NEED TO MAKE A DISLIKE BUTTON!!!

The Profile

36. Do I want to come off as witty (maybe a pic of me passed out on my couch with a beer (eww) hanging out of my hand)?
37. Wait! I just got a job in private equity (A-mazing)… Time to look professional! (REMOVE PICTURES WITH ALCOHOL)
38. Maybe throw one of those inspirational quotes on there, if possible by Warren Buffet… So ambitious!
39. Unless, of course, you’re a fan of the Wire (Sushbro), in which case def quote that… (That show is so smart- the Shakespeare of our generation!)
40. Profile pic with a celeb- “HOW DID YOU GET TO MEET PARIS HILTON?!!! SO JEAL!” (Yeah, I know you are.)
41. Profile pic with a professional football or basketball player… very cool! (Photo comments—you look like a teeny little peanut next to him!!!)
42. A profile pic with all your besties (be strategic here… At least one of the sushettes in the pic needs to make you look good (she’s a bigger fan of calories) and one needs to be GORG (let people know you’re not rolling with a weak crew)
43. In the end there is only one thing that really matters… LOOKING SO F’ING HOT!

Accepting Friend Requests

44. A Sushbro waits at least 36 hours to accept a sushette’s friend request…  Cool customer!
45.  Do I know this person? Let me check our mutual friends! Ok, he’s cool!
46.  Why is there so much spam? DISLIKE!!!
47. I have 1765 friends… Is that too many?

Happy Birthday!

48. Happy Birthday (the bad)- No one REALLLY remembers your birthday anymore! Everyone just wishes everyone happy birthday!!! Your cousin’s yoga instructor’s chiwawa’s trainer who you met at the Starbucks in the East Village:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
49. Happy birthday (the good)- The Ice Breaker- What better way to reconnect with that Spicy Tuna Roll you Facebook stalk than by wishing them a happy birthday. If they respond, you know what’s next…Drinks?!!! (I’m guessing a dark beer for David (BRO!) and perhaps a Vodka soda for Linds? (Totes!)
50. The date you were born… Lose the year, obvs! Don’t want people knowing how old you are! (I’m 25…FOREVER!!!)

The Countdown

51. The countdown!!! You know the one where you write on your besties wall every day in anticipation of her coming to visit you from LA… It’s probably the most important wall post Facebook offers:
52. “2 days…Can’t wait.”
53. “1 more day. Soooooooooo Excited.”
54. “I am standing next to you…LOL!”
55. Speaking of LOL… Sushi Nation loves to LOL themselves, even when more often than not, it’s not really that funny. “I’m pretty tired…LOL.”  (Let’s get back to the countdown)
56. Your visitor in the count down is obv “so hot,” per your wall post from three months ago… But if she is “actually” hot then you know what is coming next…
57. A “Random” Message  From David: “Hey Linds. It’s been a while. I hope you are well. Just wanted to see what you were doing this weekend.” Followed by a “surprised” response when you tell him your bestie from camp is coming to visit. (Sushbros LOVE hot sushette visitors… They are monitoring “The countdown” just as closely as you are… Another notch on the old belt!)
58. Then you have a weekend filled with so many fun things…LIKE LIKE LIKE!!!
59. But before you can say edamame, it’s over: “I’m at the airport and I miss you already!!! I had the most A-mazing time this weekend… You are so f’ing hot!
60. “Back in LA… :(”  (DISLIKE!!!!!!!)

Let’s Play!

61. “Can’t wait to play this weekend!”
62. Is there a word in the dictionary that means such different things when said by a Sushette vs. a Sushbro then the word “play”?
63. “Let’s play” for girls- play can mean anything (go out for vodka sodas, hang out on the couch and watch the E! channel, maybe brunch!) But for guys…
64. “Let’s play” for guys means only one thing- Tuesday night basketball at a rented out public school.  98 times out of 100, the game consists of Sushbros, 5’9- 6’0, who peaked as a role player on their high school basketball team. It’s the best part of their week (seeing as work is killing them).  Crap!  You forgot your basketball sneakers?… All good, again! 99% (even better chance) of male sushi wears sneakers within 1 shoe size of 10.5. (Sports… Woo Woo!)

Relationship Status

65. Relationship Status is everything!
66. Did David just pop the question? (Are you 26 and a Sushi 12 Alum?)… Then you know what’s next.  Change that relationship status to “Engaged.” ASAP! Then message the girls… Then change your profile pic to the two of you doing something adorable together… (Then you can call your parents!)
67. Are you single :(? You’re only “single” on Facebook if you are truly on the prowl. You need a husband because all your besties have gotten engaged in the last 4 days (joint engagements!!!). The world needs to know you are ready willing and able.
68. Maybe you can leave it blank: “I don’t need the world to know my business!”
69. Otherwise it is time to be “too funny.” You’re “in a relationship” (usually one of the “complicated” variety) with your bestie.
70. Or! Even better, “It’s Complicated” with someone who has the exact same name as you!!!  (Editor’s note: That actually would be pretty complicated…)

Ugh… Privacy Settings!

71. The one thing that is worse than death and taxes: Facebook’s privacy settings!!! You hate it! “We can’t trust these people with anything!!! (Speaking of, how bout that $50 billion valuation, my private equity bros?… A-mazing! But is it really possible?! What’s their revenue model? Yuck, did I really just say that?”)
72. You make it your duty to alert all your besties and your cousin’s yoga instructor’s chiwawa’s trainer about any and all things privacy related… maybe with a wall post.
73. “Privacy settings: You are so NOT f’ing hot!”
74. Worst. Change. Ever!
75. DISLIKE!!!

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