Dushi With My Bros

Honestly, I’m not a bitch. But when someone does something bad to one of my girls, I can be very bitchy. So when I heard that Private Equity Boy had been saying some terrible things about my friend Jordana, I felt as though I had to do something. After a few yoga breaths, I realized that it was important for me to be mature about this, so I made plans to speak with my cousin to discuss the best way to handle all of this drama. (I HATE DRAMA)

When I got to his apartment, it could not have been more awk. Private Equity Boy was just leaving. The sight of him made me so mad that I ran into my cousin’s room to tweet (it’s calming for me). When I opened the computer there it was….

Private Equity Boy had left his Gmail open. I was going to log him out but then I saw an email he wrote: “ My take on that stupid sushi site.” #WTF. This just got personal!

When I read the email I was appalled. This guy was sooooooo #Dushi. And it gets worse. Private Equity Boy made a list. If you are going to insult my site, at least be original!

I needed revenge and knew just who to turn to. I texted Ali – a revenge specialist- and she listed 10 options. (She’s good)

We agreed that the easiest and safest revenge would be to post his stupid list, which I’ve titled – “Dushi with my Bros” – to show the world just how terrible this boy is (UGH!!!! How did I ever like him?!). I didn’t put any personal information about Private Equity Boy; I thought that was going too far. But everything else is copy and pasted. Enjoy! OR more likely, try not to vomit!

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My beloved brothers,

While I graduated from Sushi Tech 4 years ago, I have never EVER left this fraternity. A number of you have reached out to me recently for professional advice, which given my tremendous success, I am always happy to provide. I took some time this weekend at the Hamptons house that I recently purchased (straight cash homey) to put together a little guide that can help you as you figure out your plans for after graduation. Good luck and please, reach out to me if you have any questions. Enjoy!

Guide to $uccess

1. Money is power. Your goal should be to be a millionaire by the time you’re 26. The rest of this list should help you out with that.
2. Lawyers- it’s a great profession and you’ll learn a ton. But the hours suck and more importantly, the money just isn’t great. My bonus is bigger than their salaries (And that’s after you remove a Zero…LOL)
3. Go Goldman (Sachs) or go home. The rest are “safety banks.” I really should have put this at the top of the list. It’s that important. Derek Jeter plays for the Yankees, not the Mets or the Red Sox. That’s the best way to think about it.
4. Then of course… Private Equity. This should be your goal for when you are 24 (after you do your 2 years).
5. New York is the center of the universe for one reason and one reason only- FINANCE… It’s not a job, it’s a lifestyle.
6. Tables, bottles, models… The city is your playground.
7. LA is cool. It definitely has awesome weather and if you fly private to Vegas-which is so much easier (no security checks, etc.) you are literally at the tables in 2 hours, door to door.
8. LA also has fresher Sushi (both literally and… you get what I mean (NAICE).
9. Chicago is a great place to visit- the summers are sick, Wrigley Field is awesome and the people are much more friendly. But the winters are cold as f**k and there is no Wall Street and no Hollywood. I personally couldn’t handle that.
10. Chicago Part II- Again, I really like Chicago. But the money just makes it IMPOSSIBLE to live there. You can make 6 figures as a trader, which is eh. But let me tell you something: 6 figures isn’t cool. You know what is… 7 figures! (Really 8 or 9 figures- but it’s hard to manage your own hedge fund before you establish a track record)
11. I don’t know a single person that moved anywhere else but I can definitely help connect you with someone if you are looking elsewhere. My rolodex is humungous.
12. The reason: NETWORKING- Every person you meet can be a future business partner. You should be networking 24 hours a day.
13. Always carry your business cards with you, even if you’re going for a bagel. This lets people know you are serious.
14. The Wall Street Journal- Memorize it. If you’re in LA, Variety is a must as well.
15. Summer Analyst- Be one. (NYU dorms are sick!).
16. Your first bro will get engaged when he’s like 25. You know that dude who had the same girlfriend all 4 years of college.
17. Send out an email at least 3 times a week to the fraternity list serve calling him a pussy… Hopefully this scares some of the other guys from making this mistake.
18. Unfortunately, though, it doesn’t and the dominos really start to fall.
19. Weddings are sick…Especially as you get older. The older you are, the nicer the wedding (Bigger bonuses) and the easier the girls are who are not married.
20. Cabo is the best for weddings. Book a flight early, though, otherwise you may have a connection… Connections are the bane of my existence!
21. Match.com – It may sound desperate, but it’s not. It’s GENIUS! I was totally hesitant at first (I obviously don’t need it). But then I tried it and saw the light. It’s the easiest way in the world to get laid. You’ll be working a ton (if you’re good). Make this your friend. I use it and I crush it.
22. If you haven’t already (I did by my junior year), you should definitely hit triple digits by your second year out of college.
23. Knicks tickets. Buy season tickets and only in the purple seats. It’s a great networking opportunity. If you have questions about the Knicks, I am happy to help you out. CARMELO!
24. It’s “The Stadium” not Yankee Stadium… FYI.
25. Scotch– familiarize yourself with it… And I’m not just talking about the Glens. The bar in my apartment should be in a museum!
26. Of course, beers—I try to crush like 100 a night (JK!). You gotta stay loyal to your best friend from college.
27. Be very generous to your doormen and secretaries around Christmas time. You have a ton more money than they have. It’s the right thing to do.
28. Hit the gym hard. I do and am in the best shape of my life- even though I work 100 hours per week.
29. Grab a bunch of guys from the house and get in a Chelsea Piers basketball league. The refs suck, but the competition is pretty good.
30. Also, grab a few ringers from the office who played hoops in college. Win or go home, you know?
31. Golf- get lessons if you’re anything above a 10 handicap.
32. After work, if you have time to go home and change, DON’T! Wearing a suit tells girls one thing- you are successful. Depending where you work and your title, you may not even need to buy her a drink before taking her home.
33. You should have at least 2 phones. Personally, I have 3. A work blackberry, an iPhone and a personal blackberry. Different phones to close different deals is my motto. ALWAYS BE CLOSING (LOL!)
34. The sales guys are the best to hang out with. Half of them played lacrosse in college.
35. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t kick myself for not playing lacrosse in high school instead of basketball. My dad is 5’10. So are my brother and all my cousins and my mom is 5’5. I should have seen this.
36. I work hard and I play harder than just about anyone. But seriously, avoid drugs. It turns your head to mush. My secret… Adderall.
37. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” (My Facebook quote)

And I’ll leave you guys with that… If you’re wondering why I ended this list with #37, just ask Brother Gerapudo. There is definitely a lot more so I will shoot you another email in the next month or so.

Best,
(Private Equity Boy)

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Ok, so I just vom’d for the 5th time today. But I’m glad I read this because I learned a lot from this “list.” (Calm down…)

1. It’s “hedge fund” and not “hedge farm.” (This makes much more sense).
2. Why not give some of your money to charity?! What a jerk!
3. Never accept a business card from a guy in a suit again!
4. Lastly and most important, men can be real jerks. How hard is it to find a nice, sweet and genuine boy? If you have any ideas, please help me! (I am totes ok with 6 figures, BTW! LOL!)

Mwah!

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